Talks With Frands: Navigating an Agender Identity

I had a lovely dinner with a dear friend the other day, and we got to talking about queerness and sexuality as we often do. I knew that my friend identifies as non-binary but we’d never really talked in depth about their journey to understanding their identity as agender.

Just in case:

  1. denoting or relating to a person who does not identify themselves as having a particular gender.
    “one of the mistakes is the presumption that an agender person must also be asexual”

They talked about things that have helped them with conceptualizing their gender identity, and I found what they were saying so illuminating that I actually took notes. When I got home, I used a page in my bullet journal to expand my messy shorthand into a list that I find extremely helpful in both my endeavors to simply understand my fellow humans better and in developing interventions for my non-binary clients:

Things that have helped with conceptualizing of and living as an agender person:

-> Thinking of gender as a very rather than a noun; it’s something I do rather than something I am. Gender doesn’t resonate as an identity.

-> Realizing I am an agender person who enjoys performing gender.

-> Finding ways to choose my femininity rather than taking the one that was handed to me. Reclaiming fem pronouns in the context of a queer, colonized lineage.

-> Understanding my dysphoria as social dysphoria rather than gender dysphoria. Reminding myself that when I feel social dysphoria, it is because of society’s skewed ideas about bodies, and I do not need to change my identity or presentation in order to better fit into these skewed frameworks.

-> Sitting with the truth that there is nothing wrong with my body and that society doesn’t get to decide who I am.

-> Oppressive ideas of gender are society’s problem; it doesn’t serve me to deny parts of myself, because there is nothing wrong with them

Here is the bullet journal page. I had been waiting for the perfect page to use this awesome merperson sticker!


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